Absolutely fantastic

This video is absolutely fantastic. If you're in Drama, you'll love it and think it is the funniest thing you have seen in a long time. If you're not in Drama, you'll probably still laugh.


High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds

Kendall Sheppard

So since my blog gets NO traffic...I have decided to check google trends for the top daily search and write a small piece on her.

KENDALL SHEPPARD: She blasted her current husband over his attitude towards fatherhood...non-existant.

I don't care about this at all. Why would I? Why would anyone? Who cares if her she has family problems, plenty of people have family problems and they don't deserve national acclaim.

They definitely don't deserve to be the hottest google search of the day.

But I do! So there, I've written my blog on Kendall Sheppard. KENDALL SHEPPARD.

Kendall SheppardKendall Sheppard...

Now maybe somone will visit my blog.

Free Ice Cream!!!!

The following is neither funny, nor is it going to touch you or apply to your life in any way. Unless your name is Mike Solomon. Let's begin:

Mike and I left Chili's after a delicious meal of honey-chipotle chicken crispers with Kyle, Andy and Jon. We ventured over to Magnificos to pay our good friend Becca a visit and possibly indulge in some tasty frozen treats. We would soon find out that the treat, would not come from a soft-serve machine, but from the woman in line behind us.

I HATE CHANGE

So I decided I did not want ice cream because I would have to break my $20 bill. We prepared to leave when the angel first spoke.

"I will pay for your ice cream." Said the mysterious yet attractive older woman behind us.

At first we refused; it was a rediculous request. We do nothing for you but hold you up in line and now you pay for our ice cream? Bullshit...she can't be serious.

She was friggen serious... Not only was she willing to pay for our treats, she insisted that she pay from them because she "believes in karma." So after a long discussion with her in which we learned that she went to EBHS and is 42 years old, we accepted the ice cream and she payed for a $17 order with $25 and then left in her gorgeous corvette. Mike, Becca and I stood in shock, unable to speak for a good minute until our FREE ICE CREAM began to melt onto our hands and grab our attention.

So now Mike and I have decided to "pay it forward" and will be doing something nice for three more people the next time an opportunity arises. Or we might forget about it and just remember this story for what it was: a milf bought us ice cream, overtipped Becca and then drove away, inspiring us to be better people (or at least to go to Magnificos on Monday nights).

Top 5 Ways to Tell that School is sooo Over

1. When your forensics class has watched so much CSI that the entire class gets upset at the death of Warrick Brown because of their emotional connection to him.

2. When Bo Henning takes our entire gym class to the aerobics room to watch the US Open because not even he can deal with school and the heat anymore. Even gym class is a strain...

3. When you are watching a movie in Anatomy and Physiology, and your teacher has finally gone crazy and tied off your labs with green ribbon to celebrate her retirement.

4. When your psychology class does presentations on food, cinema and yoga therapy after watching 4 movies in a row.

5. When you get a 10/10 on an english timed writing that you wrote about Stephen Daedelas's "snatch of poetry" and how his struggle made it "hard out here for a pimp."

Secret Word of the Day: Police
If you hear anyone say the secret word (or if it is written on their car) run up to them and scream in their face and wave your arms, like in Pee Wee's playhouse. Then comment the results.

Continued Observations of a ShopRite Cashier

I did a running tally of every customer that passed through my line to see how many spoke English and how many spoke a fragmented, retarded english; or no english at all.

English - 76 Non-English - 41**

**The following groups count as non-english speaking customers:
1. Those who speak a foreign language
2. Those who stare blankly when asked if they have a priceplus card
3. Those who indicate that they will be paying with credit when I ask
them for coupons
4. Those who respond in english but their responses make no sense,
indicating that they are faking their abilities

There were also 9 silent customers who said absolutely nothing throughout their transactions.

NOW, FOR SOME OBSERVATIONS

1. Old people fit into three categories:
- Ole people who like to tell stories
- Grounchy Old people who hate cashiers and ShopRite because "when they
were young, there were no jobs"
- Senile Old people unaware of their location and/or situation

2. When I asked a woman, "How are you this evening?" she responded, "very well, thank you for the concern." If that statement met the bar that that woman has set for herself, I think she really needs a hug. I wasn't concerned at all, and I am sorry to disappoint her.

3. You are all disgusting because you are friends with a racist. I told a black woman not to come into my line because from my angle, she appeared to be over the limit for express. I then accepted a caucasian gentleman into my line who actually had more items than the woman had. She gave me a dirty look until she finally left the store, and if I happen to have some "accident" befall me in the next few days, you know who did it...

4. The overall theme of work the other night was... Piercings!
Everyone has piercings! Wtf? Two cashiers from ShopRite got fired for getting pierceings, a small baby girl in my line (no older than 1 year) had both ears pierced and Carol's voice continued to pierce my soul throughout the night over the page system.

Comedian Quote of the Day: Demetri Martin - Earings are like sneezes. One is okay but 10 in a row is annoying.

Being Jesse Marino

I will now type every thought that enters my head until I feel like stopping. This experimentation into my stream of consciousness may be the greatest individual contribution to psychology since the discovery of the unconscious mind. It will probably be crap, though...

Begin
How did my parents let me listen to Eminem as a child? Did they even listen to the lyrics? Does DMX talk like he raps? If he does, I'm sure he carries some ricola everywhere he goes. Even my DMX impression leaves me coughing blood. I don't get why Eminem is asking the real Slim Shady to stand up. He's really just being an ass to a room full of people, since he's the one who should be standing. Ya'll gonna make me lose my mind... Up in here. Up in here.

Why am I listening to songs that were cool 10 years ago? I don't know...maybe because I like to reminisce. I am a Blue Hen next year. Absorb that. Your mascot is a "Killer" or a "Blue Devil." I am a chicken. And not a male chicken, like a rooster, I am a Hen. I lay eggs and then get my head chopped off and served for dinner. Did colleges get into a room and draw names of mascots out of a hat. Delaware has crap luck.

Dr. Dre is not dead, Eminem is a liar. I saw him at an awards show a few months ago. Citizen Kane sucks. If it wasn't built up so much it would be good, but everyone poos themselves over how influential and important it is. I get it, and I appreciate it, but Orson Welles was just a cocky guy who tried a bunch of stuff that in any other arena would have had him labeled a dumbass, but because he got lucky he's the "Boy Genius." Now he's a fat dead genius. Actually, he's seen a good amount of decomposing by now so I'm sure his figure has improved.

Phil made a pun about blogs. I wish more people read this. I GET IT. We are all Slim Shady in some way. Eminen is deep, man...

Next Song. Green Day mashed up with Nelly... This is one of those things that sounds like a terrible idea and it's actually damn good. Kind of like tabasco sauce on Ice Cream. Yea I've done it...don't judge.

Art therapy is stupid. "I drew a Dog." Well, that means you have sexual frustration because a dog is a very sexual, masculine animal. I want to go up to an art therapist and draw a picture of something rediculous. I'll probably end up in a mental insititution for my rendition of, "Barney and Bee-Bop making love." I'm honestly curious what that would represent...

Go listen to Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, they're amazing. I bitched at my mom for a half hour about how much I hate turkey, and then the turkey she made for dinner was the best I have ever had. God has shafted me again, and all I can do now is look forward to the day we sit up in heaven and laugh at all of the things he did to me.

Done.

GO AHEAD, QUOTE ME: I usually don't like ketchup, but this is really good ketchup. Just the perfect blend of tomatoes and the blood of the innocent.

Heat Wave

So it has been balls hot the past few days. I'm not sure how you could have missed this fact, except for my very small demographic of readers in Iceland.

I have been inspired by the heat to make a "Hot List" of things I have noticed are hot right now.

1. Megan Fox (Week #45 as the top spot on the list) - FUN FACT: Megan Fox was the only thing on the hot list during the winter season.

2. The Sun - It's been here in a big way the past few days, and it shows no evidence that it plans to leave any time soon. Everyone seems to be wearing its colors around on their skin and the sun has been everywhere! From your local school to your bedroom that gets crappy air conditioning circulation, the Sun is here to stay.

3. Facebook Albums - Following Proms and Seaside, Facebook albums have been hot. Get our your oven mitts and click your way down the internet superhighway to catch some embarassing pictures of you and your friends making idiots of yourselves in Seaside.

4. Disappointing Movies - There is no place better than the movies on a hot summer day when you want to cool off. Unless of course you go see Indiana Jones or Sex and the City. I didn't see Sex and the City, but I am pretty sure I would rather stand in the blazing sun in a bear-skin coat than spend 2 hours of my life watching Harrison Ford ride his Jeep Wrangler right over the hill.

5. School - With air conditioning in only a few areas of the school, East Brunswick High has been so hot this season. It has gained so much heat these past few days, we have had half days.

THINGS THAT ARE SOOO NOT HOT

1. Parkas - Parkas, which were soo hot during the winter months are losing some steam as we enter the summer. Many people have sold their stock in animal-skin coats and parkas, picking up on the trend that has proven reliable for the past few years. It seems that summer comes roughly the same time every year, and stock for parkas is on a downward spiral.
** LONG TERM STOCK WATCH** The market for mink coats and Parkas may be seeing a permanent downward movement due to global warming. Time to pick between aerosol cans and your ferret coat.

2. School - With only a few weeks left and our teachers still taking it seriously, school has found a way to be hot and not at the same time. Seriously...Prom and Seaside are over, let's jump right to graduation.

Random Thought to Ponder: Is Alphabet soup as fun if you're illiterate, or does it just seem condescending?

Banksy

No, I'm not big on art. But I do go through spurts where I check out a lot of Banksy stuff because let's be honest...we'd all like to paint political/social statements through art with grafitti on the walls of major cities. So check some of it out, search for more of his stuff on google if you like it as I'm only putting up a few to save you from boredom.

Prom and Seaside

Okay. So following the most spectacular weekend in recent memory, probably life, I have decided to post a list of a few highlights from the weekend. I will avoid embarassing stories at all costs, so as not to offend.

So first off we have A list of "Things I screwed up" since there were quite a few. A majority of them happened in the first night, but they came up a few times.

1. I wanted a quesodilla when we go tthere, so i broke out the frying pan since it is your standard quesodilla preparing apparatus and quickly set off the fire alarm. I then microwaved one to perfection and lost a small chunk of my dignity.

2. BIG ONE: I left my cars keys home since I wasn't going to drive anywhere. I had already left my car down the shore with half our house's bags in it, thus leaving half our house without clean clothes or linens for the first night.

3. Actually, I didn't screw anything else up. The other 2 happened in the span of 5 minutes so it became a running joke to blame everything that happened on me! The overall tone of this weekend, "It was Jesse's fault."

4. Oh, I got in my car to drive everyone's stuff and Ben home only to find that I had a flat. We waited outside a crappy motel for 45 minutes waiting for the guy to come fix my car and I had to drive 50 the whole way home since the spare can't take higher speeds. 1500 people who were on the parkway want to kill me.

Other people's weekends

- Mike, Phil, Sean, Justin,and Ariel got piercings. I am convinced that I wouldn't look good with piercings, so I sat this one out.

- I ate a boardwalk cheesesteak and still have an internal conflict raging on inside of me: was it a mistake, or delicious enough to be worth the heart disease?

- All the guys in our house and myself need to re-examine our sexuality after our tournament.

- I didn't get sunburn! A huge accomplishment from your walking burn magnet!

- No one wanted to go to surf taco, and after a long weekend, neither did I.

- Mike Ryan walked behind a guy with a hairy back singing "I shaved this guy, and I liked it. But he didn't appreciate it." He kept speeding up and Mike just wouldn't give up. Since it was Seaside, there was a 50% chance he had a gun, so Mike took a hell of a gamble.

- We spent maybe 10 seconds in the ocean since it was around 50 degrees.

- Sean wins the best quote of the weekend for his rendition of I kissed a girl, which sounded like the following, "I kissed a girl with cleft palate." Let me know if there was more to it. Either way, it was really funny then and still pretty good now.

Overall, the weekend was amazing. We ate, drank, hung out at the beach, saw everyone, walked up and down the boardwalk 95 times and slept for a small fraction of the weekend. Damn good times... I'm going to miss all of these people a lot, but we've got a whole summer left and it better be just as good as these few nights.

My Town

If you've never been to East Brunswick, this is what it is like here. We have no rain, it is always sunny and perfect, the flowers are shaped like sea urchins and the sky is an awkwardly teal blue.

If you live in East Brunswick and disagree, you obviously don't live on my side of town; where well-endowed squirrels, giant giraffes and F-22s are in abundance. It's got damn good property value...

You have to watch/listen to this

Best Song...and a damn good band.



Flobots - Handlebars

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Douche...

I could not make it on last night because I was busy doing a journal on Portrait of the Artist, which I can tell is an excellent book, but I just can't find the strength within me to take it seriously. So without further ado, I present further Meditations of a ShopRite Cashier from my shift on Monday, June 2.

1. A woman came to my line with a scrub on from a nursing home and it said "OB-GYN" on it. No comment...

2. I met someone with no bones!!! A young man in shorts and a dirty white t-shirt approached me in a movement that can only be described as gelatinous. I am 99% sure that he had no bones. He then asked "Yo Bro, where be the diapers?" I told him where they were, and I fear for his child for two reasons:
-He may have inherited his father's grammar
-He is probably a half boned mutant

3. I always say how stupid combovers look, but I saw a man without his combover done, and good God... Gentlemen, either go all or none on the combovers, no half-assing it.

4. The flag upstairs in ShopRite only has 13 stars. This means either ShopRite is retarded, or they don't acknowledge the mid-west.

5. I saw a guy with emo hair and I realized, "I hope he has a deformed eye." There would be no other reason to wear your hair that douche-ly unless you were covering something.

6. ANNOUNCEMENT: Tell your parents and friends...The next person who comes to my line and fails to seperate their order from the people in front of them will be punched for every item I ring up improperly.

7. Another way ShopRite is contributing to the fall of this nation... The "Convenience Center" advertises selling Cigars, Cigarettes and Lottery. Why can't we buy our vegetables conveniently? And for that matter, does the convenience center suggest that everything else in ShopRite is a bitch to buy? I guess we're going to start putting all the groceries on the top shelf.

8. A woman buying plantains yelled at me for ringing two plantains attached at the stem up as "2." She said that they were twin plantains and count as only one. What a bitch... She assumes that twins are only half worthy of being people. And don't get her started on conjoined twins...

9. Apparently, according to at least 5 customers last night in my line, denim trousers are back in! Those people were also big fans of NASCAR and hot pockets. Aim high...

10. A couple appeared to be amish, and they were buying oats. I wondered how they got to the store and then it struck me, they rode on horseback and ShopRite was like their Exxon. Oats are a lot cheaper than gas, too. You only get 1 horsepower though...

Kyle McCulloch's Moment of Genius: Today, Kyle said if he could have one wish, he would wish to be small enough to ride on a sperm cell so that he could be like Slim Pickens from Dr. Strangelove and ride the sperm under a telescope. Apparently Kyle would rather be surrounded by semen than solve world hunger.

6/2/08 - A day of detestation

I realized today how much I hate going to school and how useless it is... So below are some observations and then a list of the top 5 reasons I hate Statistics.

1. Mr. Pellicane said Tiger woods had lasik surgery to get 20:10 vision. I'm pretty sure that that's cheating. It made our class ask the questions, "What if you had 10,000:20 vision?" I'd like to inform you that you get laser vision and the ability to pull up a paragraph of information on someone just by winking at them. (Useful at parties, less disease transmission if you get a background check).

2. The story of Icarus and Daeldelas goes against everything we have been taught. In that story, if you aim higher, your wax wings melt and you plummet 20,000 feet to your death...

3. Kyle said he would like to rename Lauren Slater "Amanda C Slater" so he can call her AC Slater. Kyle is retarded...

4. The movie Regarding Henry with Harrison Ford taught me one thing: If people are assholes, shoot them in their subclavian artery. The brain damage will apparently make them better people.

THE TOP 5 REASONS I HATE STATISTICS

1. Every example in class is depressing, and either about suicide rates or cancer.
2. Math teachers' obsessions with Garfield go from cute to disturbing after 3 days of class.
3. Mrs. Eberhardt is a fan Nazi, and we can't turn them on even though its 90 degrees. I look like Michael Jackson at a boy scout meeting after that class I'm so sweaty.
4. [2nd] [ALPHA] I HATE STATISTICS [ENTER] (We have to write out what we do on the calculator...)
5. We flipped a coin 300 times just to learn a formula, to which Mrs. Eberhardt responded, "I sit around and think of ways to torture you."

Joke of the Day: What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Get out of my sun"

Pulp Fiction meets Guess Who...

One of my favorite images of all time! Thanks Andy.

The Philosophical Meditations of a ShopRite Cashier

Today at ShopRite I realized how many rediculous things come into my head while working. The following list is from ONE four hour shift on register.

1. Some woman bought about $200 worth of cat food, but no sustenance for herself. She visits the store and does this at least every other week, leading me to believe that she fattens her cats up and then consumes them. Either that or she really likes Fancy Feast.

2. Someone had a "Stop genocide shirt." I think we should start slower than that. For example, try "Yield Genocide" first and then break out the "Stop Genocide" shirts.

3. As i was walking down an aisle for my break, the golden gates of cleavage opened up in aisle 4. Two girls lined up parallel to one another at the end of a line and apparently both wanted something from the bottom shelf, thus confusing my occipital lobe as I tried to decide which way to look. So I just stared straight forward at the Appetizing sign over the deli counter.

4. A woman came to my line and asked me to stop when her order was "below $150." If I didn't need this job, I would have refused to ring up her order because it was under $150 already. Or I could have kept telling her her total until reaching $150, and then rung up her remaining groceries really fast.

5. I saw the back of a shirt that said "It's in our blood." I then spent a good amount of time contemplating funny things for the front of the shirt to say. Some examples are:
AIDS
Hepatitus
Shrapnel
Antibodies
Platelets

6. I have discovered why America is fat. At the snack bar, a whole cheese pizza costs less than a personal garden salad.

7. I love how the serving size for oreos is like, 4 cookies. Everyone knows the only reason they made 3 sleeves in each package is so you can eat one sleeve per sitting...

8. A sign upstairs said "Talk to us about furthering your ShopRite career." It could just as well have said, "Given up on college? Olive Garden won't hire you? Come on in!"

9. Someone assumed that because bagels are baked goods, it would be ok to leave a half eaten bagel on the rack with the Hostess cakes.

10. Keeping with Phil's idea of only eating Enteman's once he reaches 80 years of age, I have decided to only eat celery. We will then know which kills you faster, obesity or malnourishment.